All of us....

I've quite lost interest in livejournal, as I prefer to talk to friends by now about problems instead of writing them down online. Also, I feel that those who used to post here and to whom I felt close have more or less deserted livejournal, and thus I don't see any point in hanging around here any longer. It's been long enough. So, just letting you know that I'm deleting my account here now. It's been a nice time years ago, but I guess all good things come to an end, and this thing's end has begun quite some time ago already.....

Good luck for the future, everyone! Bye...

Yesterday I booked Edinburgh for my boyfriend and me...yeah! 14 pounds for the train return ticket! And 20 pounds per night for a wonderufl double-bed hotel room with ensuite bathroom! Just in the city! :-) We'll be staying for 2 nights, and Edinburgh is one of the most beautiful and romantic towns I've ever seen, so I think it will be really, really wonderful. :)

Just that...I've started to be afraid I'll get a fever or herpes again...because ALWAYS when we met now I had either of them and each time it has ruined most of our time. And being afraid of it makes it happen even more....*sigh* Yep, I'm having one of those "I wish I wasn't me" moments...!

Oh boooyy.......

nearly 2 weeks that I've been back to the UK, and I haven't been homesick yet! Like, at all!! :-)))) God bless internet and a heavy workload. :-) And new perspectives, maybe...
The remaining time doesn't seem that long anymore, but quite ok. And I've been doing some nice stuff lately, like going to an English disco (with 3 guys and 1 girl getting naked on stage. Completely!!! Watch out for the Germans with laaarge eyes and open mouths just staring, staring and saying "gosh THIS COUNTRY...!!!!!!") Went out to a pub twice, had a nice cooking evening, went to cinema in Birmingham., saw a theatre play on Campus...that's more than I've been doing in a month in Term 1, usually. At the moment it's just essay-essay-essay, but it's going quite well and tomorrow I'm invited to a Crêpes evening in our neighbour's house. :-) And Saturday I'm going to Stamford with Sabine! It looks sooo beautiufl on the pictures I've found online, so I'm really looking forward o that, and to getting out of Coventry again for a day.
And the weekend after, I'm going to YORK with some friends! :-)))) It's not even that expensive, about 30 pounds for the journey and 15-20 ppounds for the hostel. And York looks so beautiufl on photos. And after that I will visit Cat in this mountain-town she lives in, just 20 minutes from Worcester which looks very picturesque and lovely, too, and she told me we could go shopping there and go out in the night.
And now guess who's coming to visit me the week after that? hmm? hmmmmm? Jep, my lovely boyfriend! Who is now going to call me in exactly 14 minutes.
It's strange, in Term 1 I often went nuts missing him, it was a physical pain and I thought I was going razy from it, on some evenings. But this term, it's so easy to bear. I hope that's not a bad sign.....but it is a relief to finally manage to concentrate on my life HERE isntead of always longing back to old times and old places and people far away, who keep living their own lives whereas I was struggling to accept my new life here. But now it works and maybe I will even learn to enjoy it? Because at the moemnt, it's ok but the town is still ugly, campus still sucks, Earsmus life is not my kind of thing etc. I'd like to be able to say, later, when I'm old, "that was really a great time"; maybe York and Stamford and Worcester and later London and Mancheester and Liverpool and Bath will help me get there.

:-))) Nice day!

Hardly any sleep tonight because of my wonderful new neighbours. They have nice friends, too, that come with their music, at 12 in the night, the music on so louldy it makes you jump in your bed, and then, most lovely, they let their motor engines roar loudly for about 1 minute, just underneath my window, before stopping or starting the car.
I could kil those people. For 2 months, my nights have been really quiet and nice. It was one of the things here that weren't a problem, a good night's sleep guaranteed. Now I feel as though those prollos are taking over the street and my house life. I can ALWAYS hear the bass rythm, always. And if you concentrate on it, it drives you nuts, when zyou're reading, when you're watching a film, well and of course especialy if you want to sleep, and the music was even louder then.
I mean, if it happened once or twice a week, I wouldn't mind. I'd be a bit annoyed, mumble to myself that they're stupid assholes, put in my earplugs and that's it. But if it's a constant noise, it makes you all crazy and aggressive and it also drains you out. You feel very unprotected against it, and that in your own home. That's what I hate, this feeling of having some bad, evil person living next door who can just do whatever he wants to with me not being able to stop him. It feels really desperate.

I will have to speak to them after christmas, but I'm scared, because, as described above, they're not the kind of people I expect to be friendly. I rather expect them to become insulting and aggressive, and not to change anythign about it at all. Maybe even become louder as a provocation, who knows. And call the police, then? I feel so stupid doing it, because it's not as though they're having aloud party there, it's just that it's loud enough for me to always here it and for me to feel very annoyed by it. I don't know whether the police wouldn't becom angry at me, then.
Well and I don't think the accomodation office can do anything aboutit. If they were students, too, it would be something else, but I'm pretty sure they're not. They wouldn#t have moved in in the middle of term, plus there used to live an adult woman before, so it can't be university managed property.
I could even imagine that they hate students, they seem that kinda ghetto-gangster like, and if I tell them that I gotta get up early for uni often and thus need to be able to have a quiet night from 11 on, they'll just mock me and be like "oh poor you wenn I dont give a fuck about your stupid university posh crap, your problem then"
Already now, I consider moving out, but it would suck because living with Daniel is one of the few things I really like about my life in England, and Mathilde always supports me when I'm in trouble, and my room looks really nice in comparison with most rooms I've seen here, well and it's simply become my home, you know? It's not very great etc, but I've grown accustomed to it and moving out and thus having to work it out again in a new room, new area, with new people, would only make my stay here more difficult than it is anyway.

It sucks going home with all those new problems having arisen for me. :-( I wasn't happy, but now I'm absolutey worried. I can't live with constant noise for 10 weeks. I'm extremely sensitive with it, and it's really quite loud in the night. I'm afraid I'll waste half of my time at home worrying about returning and the sleep problem in advance already. :-( Cos I'm like that. I could hardly sleep at night, though with the ear plugs I really hardly heard anything, and I've managed with them to sleep through loud parties in Goettingen, but when I don't feel comfortable somewhere and expect loud noises, then I simply can't relax and spend a horrible night, like today, and it's the 4th night in a row without a proper, breakless, easy sleep.
I'm so glad I'm going home tomorrow, but I'm already so scared of having to return to this shit life only full of new and new problems all the fucking time. Wouldn't it be ironic that, while we might finally get internet on Friday, after waiting for more than 2 months, I'd move out of the house?

I've just been returned my first unassessed essay in the cultural history module "Reform, Revolt and Reaction in the US". I'm very disappointed....I thought my essay was really, really good. I spent about 3 days preparing it with reading through 3 different books, which I consider quite a lot of background for a 1500 words essay, and when I was done with the whole thing, I was really satisfied with myself.
The tutor gave me 60 percent for it, first having gone for 58 and then changing it when overthinking it again. That's not a very good mark. 80 is equivalent with an A, I think, so 60 must be something between B or C I suppose. It felt like a slap in my face, as I went there in a very excited and optimistic mood. :-(

It's especially frustrating for 2 reasons. Firstly, thins aren't going very well in England anyway. I don't exactly have fun, I haven't formed any strong bonds with anyone here, and I've decided to concentrate on my studies as this was the only thing here I enjoyed and felt I was successful in, well and now my confidence has been shaken in it.
Secondly, which I find even worse, I saw this essay as an opportunity to prove myself to the tutor. Because I never say anything in the course (it's so unstructured with ppl just talking without lifting their hands and I never seem to be able to get into the discussion, even if there's something I want to contribute), which frustrates me, as I find the topic really interesting and fought a long to get a place on the module - every week I leave the seminar frustrated, after all my silence. So I worked hard on the essay and was quite proud on how well I got into the topic and I thought, there it is, she will see I'm actually not this stupid silent girl sitting around every week without saying a word, and she'll say things such as "So why do you never say anything? This essay is really, really good, it shows that you get along fine and actually have interesting things to contribute to the class!" Something like this. Well and instead I got an "inadequate" for my footnotes and references, her saying I used too little references but used too long quotations, though I NEVER had any problems with my references when writing all my essays and thesis in Germany. I might see my personal tutor, cos he's a bit "trained" for typical English demands on essays and had offered disucssing every essay I'll write in advance with me to avoid things like that, being rated badly for differences between German and English demands. I thought I didn't need it, that I'd just be fine with my essay. :-(

I feel kind of ashamed now and I dont want Thibaut, at all, to ever know about this mark. He got a 80 in his first essay, just like that, and he considers himself the most gifted and intelligent person in the whole wide world anyway, always rubbing his marks and achievemnts and positive feedback under my nose whenever I see him. Hate this guy.

I feel really stupid. :-(( Well I had a fever for 2 days when Fabian was here (something I had wanted to write a looong entry about) and then it was gone, so we went to the fireworks where I got soaking wet but I still didn't get it back. I thought I was alright by now...I brought him back to the airport yesterday and just when I had returned to my room, this massive migraine hit me, out of the blue, with everything flickreing in front of my eyes. It only lasted a couple of minutes but I was left with a really bad headache, not even aspirin helped to kill it. Well I ignored it and phoned friends and stuff and talked to my housemates and actually thught I was alright and coping well! Then, weirdly enough, I felt dizzy all night, as though I was sleeping on a ship. It was horrible, the moment I closed my eyes my bed "started moving" until I started listening to an audio book for an hour and then finally fell assleep.
Hoping I'd be alright now! But instead I get up and feel sick. I forced down one toast and a tea and headed to university for my first seminar at 10. Survived the bus journey, walked to the building, thinking it would get better soon. Intead, it got so bad in the seminar, I've never experienced a dizziness like that! At some point I couldn't hear anyone talk anymore and whenever I had to lift my eyes off the ground to look at some paper sickness hit my stomach. 90 minutes were so unbearable, I was sure to faint in the middle ot fhte seminar or throw up right there in front of everyone. So what I did, and what I have never done before, neither at university in Germany, nor at school, was that I pulled together all my strength and, after 60 minutes, walked up to the lecturer at the front of the seminar and asked her whether I could leave my essay already now and leave earlier because I felt horribly dizzy. She looked quite concerned and allowed me to go and then I asked her, also in front of the qhole class, where I had to go to see a doctor here on campus as I haveno idea about which practise and place and stuff I have to turn to, so she turned to the other students and asked them and they told me and now in hindsight I feel rather embarassed about the whole situattion but honestly I didn't care when I was standing there. All I cared about was the room moving up and down beside and around me  which is so so horrible and I was in such a panic! I felt so caught in all this dizziness and just wanted someone to take care of me. I was so glad when I had let this room.
So I stumbled over to the health centre and I started crying on the way because I felt so scared and so miserable and also so very alone and far from home. And they gave me an appointment 4 hours later. So I had to walk back and now I'm sittin gin the library still aiting for this appointment.
And by now, of course, I feel considerably better! The dizziness has nearly gone and I even had an appetite suddenly and ate a bit. But the hearing gets worse and worse, I feel as though my whole head is stuffed and my ears are shut from within.
But do you think I overreacted? I know that all the other foreign students would never go to the doctos here if not in a real emergency....right now my behaviour seems a bit silly to me, I probably just need to recover from the flu, had some flash of...weakness collapse or something, should have gone to bed for 2 days, drunk tea and I'd be fine.....but I was in a real panic and now I think the people in my course think me quie a freak and the nurse won't find anything special about my health and everone thinks me a hypochondriac. :-(

I fucking wanna be home now. :-(((( I sound like such a child but I want my mum to take care of me now and be in our living/room and not have to worry about anything here.

hez guys, still alive and well here. we started buying things for our house, for the bathroom, spoons and kitchen stuff, posters for the living room.....mzy french mate cooked for all of us, and it was so delicious!!! I~m hungrz here prettz much all daz, there~s no snack stuff zou can eat here. just weird, gross things.

waited more than an hour for the bus todaz. it~s insane, what kinda szstem is that_

our shower doesn~t work, or zes it does but not reallz, it~s boiling hot, and so is mz room and zou can~t change the tempreature. house partz yesterdaz was nice, alwazs french and german people all over.

a bit homesick now.....todaz~s borin and grez and I~d like to be in goettingen at mz own computer with internet and friends just a phonecall awaz for free.

 I read Waiting for Godot today, for my modules in England. Must be about the most depressing piece of litterature that has ever come into my hands! Totally pulled me down and made me all aggressive towards my mum! :/

In other news, I'm dissatisfied though things are going well but that's typcial. No problems = bored = discontent. Yesterday I was horribly sentimental for several reasons, today I feel like leaving Göttingen this very day. I long to be home, it's been 4 weeks, and before that, 3 days earlier, 5 weeks. That's a long time without being at home, really. My dad will come Saturday morning and we'll empty my room. We'll go home in the late afternoon and then my mum will await us at home, having cooked my wish-meal: a certain soup I love, that she only makes very seldom and that tastes wonderfvul. I've been thinking about this soup a lot lately. No kidding! It sometimes happens that there's one certain meal (that I can't cook here in this miserable kitchen) I soooo feel like eating and the desire stays for 2, 3 weeks! And the first thing I wanna do once I get home is get this one meal! (and then usually I'm not hungry anyomre or something :/)

 Hoho! I'll be living together with a french girl in England!! :) I so wanted to live together with someone from France!!! and she seems nice, too ! :)

 Hello dear friends, 

I'm boored. Today I saw Kassel for the first time ever. Not the prettiest town on earth, but cool for shopping. 
Outside it's raining and cold (august haha summer haha yeah right) so I prefered staying in and phoning /chatting intstead of going out. When was the last time I went out, really? I can't remember. 
I'm afraid I can no longer do it (stupid yeah).....that in England I'll be forced to socialise and go to many parties, but I'll just fall assleep at 1 and only wanna go to my bed and thus be so lame and silent and stupid that everyone will find me annoying. I no longer feel this urge to go to parties....really I love my bed! and I love my candles, and my music, and my books and just laziness. Going out is so exhausting............Ifear the beginning of England will very much exhaust me with all the parties an dmeetings and socializing! I'm not very keen on meeting new people, either, as I got really great friends at Göttingen by now and don't really need other people. Pity they won't be there ^^

Aaaaaand, after this entry of boredom and nothingness, I'll go to bed!

Nighty night!

 Talking to my lecturer was amazing! He spent almost 2 hours with me, discussing my thesis in such detail! It was great; there's so much room to improvement and together with him, I realised completely new things about the novel I had worked with, so it was absolutely interesting. Plus, he gave me an A, despite my stilistic weaknesses! :-) I left him feeling so motivated!!!! I would hav eliked writing yet another thesis then. :)

Now it's Fabian's radio show and I'm soo nervous! I bet I sound horribly embarassing on the radio, plus I had to answer all his questions spontanously and lacked good responses. I will sound like a bit of an idiot and when he said "now you can choose a song, Sonja!" I was totally surprised and said, in a totally exagerated, happy voice "Seriously, I can choose a song now?" and he didn't cut this out of the show!!!!!!!!! Told me about this only today! 
My part wil come in 20 minutes and I'm already blushing............ oh wel but I don't think that many people listen to Götingen's city radio!!! Fabian's show is pretty good, though. He's got a really nice voice and sounds so nice on the radio. His music choice is quite good, too.

Yesterday I finally received the contract from my flat back from the guy who's gonna live in it for a year - signed and along with a nice letter. i'm so relieved that this is settled now. He even called int he evening, being so nice and all again - I think I made a really great choice giving him the room. Can't imagine seeing it ruined next year.

Also, I handed in my thesis on littérature québecoise yesterday and my lecturer sent me an e-mail about 10 minutes later, asking me whether I could meet up with him today at 3pm to talk about it (he always does it the next day). Funnily, he proposed meeting in front of the library here - usually that's where students meet when preparing homework or a presentation or something, going into th ecafé right at its beginning to have a coffée and stuff! But that fits this lecturer, he's so easy-going and unconventional. Every other lecturer would make you come to his office hour or something!

Today Fabian's radio show is broadcasted where I recommand a book. I was so embarassing and really I'm ohrrible with giving radio interviews!

We brought Lisa to the station today at 7 in the morning. She's flying to Mexico today, for 6 months. And if she doesn't meet me in England, I won't see her for a whole year!! I haven't really realised this yet......none of us cried, it was just so early and surreal. Unfortunately, her plane has 6 hours(!!!) of delay so she will miss her connection plane and as she booked the two flights indepentendly from each other the first flight's company won't pay her a second flight. That's pretty bad! Plus she didn't have to get up at half past 5, as the plane will not leave before 5 in the afternoon now. Poor Lisa. 2 hours of train ride, then 7 hours of waiting at the airport and then 12 hours of flight, ten arriying in mexico without having a connection flight. :-(

Free time! How unusual! We did this experiment for psycholinguistics in the kindergarten today, then I had lunch, then I wroked on my thesis for 2,5 hours and then..........it was only half past 3 and I had a free day! went into town, had lots of food, now I'm being super bored and soon I'm going swimming. Nothing spectacular, but it's so cool to have a free day laying in front of you and you can do nothing at all without feeling any guilt! 

 I just got a very funny e-mail!

Someone who I don't know asking me whether I want to be tutor for the course "Introduction to the history of Philosophy" next semester!! I was recommanded to him by a lecturer I had in my very first semester, aaages ago, and who isn't even at Göttingen anymore!

How strange is that? I replied: Dear Mr. X, thank you for your offer, that's very nice but for I year I no longer study Philosophy but French!

Hmm it's pretty cool to be remembered by a lecturer I never really spoke with (I wrote essays in her course, guided by a tutor I totally fancied ;) an dthe others were excellent but they didn't even count but were, officially, without a mark) and who hasn't seen me in more than a year! And to be offered a tutor job in a subject I don't even study anymore!

But it has also, naturally, created a few doubts. Such as "was it wrong to cancel my Philosophy studies?". I often think of it, when I'm in literature, seeing how many philosophical thoughts an dtheories are connectred to literature. I find them super interesting and I think having studied Philosophy would look better than french when it comes to applying for university jobs to do with literature. But then again I hated studying Philosophy, the courses were a hell and I hated the theoretical´texts. It wasn't like I didn't understand them or couldn't deal with it, but it was an effort, always, and I saw it only as a duty, not as something interesting I wanted to learn. I never missed a single philosophy lesson after cancelling it.

Booked my flight ticket, gave my details to the Orientation Coack Pick-up service, got a master card from my parents' account, sent away the contract for the guy living in my room for 9 months, called the train company to make sure my bahncard has really been cancelled for the next year and have a new insurance for accidents. 

I really hate those organisational matters......! I always tend to forget them, and I don't undersatnd half of the things my parents organised concerning bank accounts and stuff like that!

At least, my flight time is good (10:50-11:20) and I can take two suitcases with me for about 110 € (47 kilo) plus the hand baggage. There ARE cheaper tickets, but not when you wanna go to Heathrow (whcih I must) and only book now... I'm glad I get to take a second suitcase with me, everything else would have been a catastrophe!
Still need to get a new bank account, accomodation in England and inform myself on the mobile phone contract (both in GErmany AND in England). And did I mention that only thinking about any of those things makes me hyper-nervous and gets me close to a breakdown of paranoia?? (what if I get ill, what if my accomodation isn't ready when I come or I won't get the key, what if I won't get a bank account thee, what if my plane crashes down, what if I'm not on the coack pick up service list and they won't take me with them, but if my suitcases get lost in the famous Terminal 5 from British Airways, so that I won't have any sleeping bag for a week and there won't be blankets in the rooms, what if they refuse to accomodate me on campus for orientation though they promised - this happend to one girl once - what if I won't get a homezone number, nor an internet connection and thus can't stay in contact with Fabian, what if I don't get into the moduels I NEED to get into.....???) ---> endless list possible!!!!

So the best thing to do is: go online / watch TV / phone friends =basically ban it from your mind. while my  parents take care of things *cough*

This evening, 5 hours of train-ride await me again. *whines* it will be so booooring!! and I miss FAbian and I have a feeling he won't come back to gö today but only tomorrow, so I'll arrive at gö all alone with no one waiting for me at the station and I'll walk to my room alone with my suitcase and then I'll sit there in front of my computer alone. :( Yes I've been doing this for 1 and a ahalf years and I will survice it today as well! But it's not so super-nice.